The problem about a competition called So You Think You’re Funny is that by the act of entering, you are publicly declaring: Yes I Do Think I’m Funny and consequently, when you don’t get through the first round, that’s you well and truly told: No You’re Not.

Yep, we’re whizzing through a few events here to play catch up. Seeing as I’m writing this on the train back from the Edinburgh Festival which is a whole 8 weeks after said Effing Competition. Which is how I shall now refer to it.

Oh yeah, I didn’t get through.

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Here we all are. The innocent hopefuls of my round. The one guy who got through to the quarters is standing behind me. See him there – face underlit like the DEVIL.                                    He didn’t get through to the semis. 

My first clue was seeing some guy on Facebook declare he’s up in Edinburgh for a SYTYF, sorry – Effing Comp – heat and needs a room. At least a minute later, I’m messaging Jamie Allerton, the only person who entered that I personally know who is GUARANTEED to get through. He messages me back immediately to say yes and sorry. I go sob into my husband’s chest. My husband (who is from Yorkshire) immediately tenses up and says: “Sexist bastards.” Brilliant.

10 minutes later, I feel better and actually believe the messages I’ve sent Jamie to say well done. I leave it about 20 minutes before emailing the judge to ask why. I know. Nob. I’m a nob. A loser nob.

I consider sending her a multiple choice question for her convenience.

Did Lizzie Hopley not get through the first round of your Effing Competition because:

a) She is not funny.
b) Some of her material was about internet dating and EVERYONE does that shit.
c) She’s done a solo show in Edinburgh before (even though it wasn’t stand-up) and realised too late that that’s against the rules.
d) All of the above.

I don’t send this. I send words like: “I’d like to learn from the feedback”. I leave out words threatening her family and pets. Cowardly nob. She won’t get back to me but it’s worth a try.

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Look at her. All alone in that giant expanse of BLACKNESS. Lost. Pitiful. UNFUNNY.
Jamie Allerton. FUNNY.

The Final of Effing Competition hasn’t happened yet but semi finalists are being announced by the day. I went to see Jamie in his quarter heat and I reckon he should have won. And that’s not just coz he’s a Scouser. He’s the only comic on that night I would have paid to see.

And his mum and dad are lovely.

Oh yeah, I ran into said judge that night (partly intentionally). She thanked me for my email and said she would definitely get back to me. Which means there are actual proper reasons why I’m not funny. And I am now actually nervous as to what they are. Of course, her reply might just say:

e) You’re just not.

I shall be back with her exact response…