Scouse Rant’s 1st Outing

Gig no: 22. Where? We Are Funny Project, Farr’s Dance Studio, Dalston

Why? I applied and my wish was granted.

Who Held My Hand? Not a bringer night. Phewieeee.

What Happened? The 2nd gig I’ve done for the irrepressible Italian Alex Martini and the We Are Funny Project. But 1st time at their Dalston venue. I was seriously looking for a friggin dance studio before I realised Farr’s was a pub.

My head is mashed with times. I spent today timing my competition 7mins, then expanding it to 10 for tomorrow night in Liverpool (YES, MY FIRST GIG IN MY PLACE OF BIRTH. WILL I GET STONED OUT OF TOWN??) Tonight, I’m back to squeezing the material into 5 minutes. My mind is an editing machine, working live. New material can wait until it’s over.

Sean Sellers
Sean Sellers.    Not a Satanist murderer.

Sean Sellers is headlining tonight. I Google him. Turns out he’s a Satanist murderer, one of 22 people in the US to be given the death penalty under 18… oh hang on, there’s another Sean Sellers, yep this sounds more like it.

There’s a special guest, an old lady who gets us to sing about chard and beetroot. And a Scouse MC – yey! Paul Entwistle. who is funny, lovely with the crowd and has a face that belongs in an Alan Bennett play which is a COMPLIMENT. Alex Martini is an ebullient presence. I last encountered him telling my brother-in-law he wanted to shag him. He keeps the energy up and has just the right mix of kind and crude. I like him instinctively. WAFP are interested in promoting new talent and each act is announced by the number of gigs they’ve done. I don’t have long before my newness faaaaades and diiiieeeees…

Paul Ent
Paul Entwistle, Scouser. Look, look at his adorable Scouse face.

This is the first night in ages where I’ve met really relaxed and ‘on it’ onstage. I put all my rewrites from Lion’s Den into action. The Scouse rant from Scouser-in-Paris now reads:

“What are you doin? What d’you think you’re doin? Where am I going? What the f*ck business is it of yours where I’m going? Crawlin out the woodwork in your little gang, picking on the Lady on her own, the Lady on her own, well she’s a Scouse Lady – we invented gangs. I’ll rob yer into the middle of next week you little gobshite, don’t need a knife to do it, don’t need a gun, my voice goes so high in this accent it’ll make yer friggin ears bleed so Champs Elysee that, nob’ead.”

There. That should do it. I cut the line about kerbing coz no one needs to know about that.

And it does. It goes down very well. I set up my Acronym Code and it’s suddenly way ruder and funnier and I can hear Alex Martini laughing (last time he was doing admin through my act). Hurrah.

What I Have Learned:

  1. Work pays off.
  2. Do more work.
Alex Martini. Never put pineapple on your pizza in his presence.